The main Drunken Knights team play in central London, at The Plough pub, right near to the British Museum. This team is brilliantly run by the charismatic Nevil Chan but just recently, transport bigwig,  Gary O’Grady has started a ‘Surrey Branch’ down in Godalming his home town.

Now this has become quite handy for me as I now live a 2 minute walk away from the home venue. Coincidence you may think? Well kind of I guess…

It was a hard decision leaving my old club Sandhurst, who have made many great steps in improving the status of chess and I must thank Alec (the main man at Sandhurst) personally, for he has helped me out greatly but from a practical point of view, it made more sense to join the Drunken Knights.

Now there has been some rumours about other signings for the Drunken Knights http://www.ecforum.org.uk/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=2083 I cannot comment on these rumours but I will leave it in the capable hands of Gary O’Grady to introduce the new team members: myself, Aly and Mark Rich the new signings…

The extract below was taken from an email that was circulated amongst the Drunken Knights Surrey Branch team, from the captain Gary O’Grady. I had to edit it somewhat in order to publish it here… and please note that it IS fictional!

We have some exciting new players joining us this season to ensure that I don’t play and spoil our championship chance!

Ginger GM Simon Williams

Simon Williams was born in Farnham and educated locally before moving on to a remote monastery on the Greek Island of Paphos in order to find God and inner peace after a drug fuelled early school life. It was here he developed quite a skill in chess playing in his habit with other lonely monks trying to find similar enlightenment.

He never did find God nor inner peace and his earlier days came back to haunt him. The main production for this monastery was trappist ales which Simon had avoided consuming for many years.

However after a very bad game against one of the newest monks to join this cabal he was completely inconsolable at this unfathomable loss and turned once more to the ale. Many jugs later and dancing round the steeple minus his habit he was cast out of this peaceful haven and sent back to the real world to hopefully repent and contemplate his actions.

This he still has spectacularly failed to do. Moving back to Farnham home turf he fell back in to his old ways. Drunken Knights manger Gary O’Grady dragged him out of this putrid filthy mire and offered him a place in the Drunken Knights Surrey Branch in the hope of encouraging him back in to a world of peaceful normality.

Simon has come on well and has since moved to Godalming living just 34 seconds brisk walk from The Star.

We wish him well in his recovery and welcome him back to society and hope the Drunken Knights experience will lead to a sustained and fullfield life.

WFM Alexandra Wilson

Lovely Alexandra ‘Aly’ Wilson started her chess career early in a small village in the foot hills of the Pyrenees. It was a poor upbringing. Her parents couldn’t afford a complete set so coloured stones were sometimes used in their stead.

Her school life was far from satisfactory being in the bottom class of every subject but completely and utterly absorbed in her little chess set. After seeing how well she played a neighbour offered to take her to the local chess club as a visiting grand master from Paris was going to give a simultaneous display.

Needless to say Aly was the last one standing with the grand master having to concede a draw against this young plucky upstart. Years went by and she failed abysmally at school but the chess never stoped. She decided ultimately to leave her girl hood home to find her fortune over the chess board and began a tour of Europe.

This ended abruptly in Geneva when she was approached during a tournament by a ginger haired weirdo offering to take her to chess heaven. Totally taken in by his drunken charms they began a truly tempestuous relationship which after many years now means that Aly also lives a brisk 34 second walk from The Star.

Mark Rich

All I can say about Mark Rich is that he had a one move check mate against 3 times British Champion Grandmaster some Scottish bloke and missed it!

Wise words Mr. Rich. Wise words indeed.

So there we are. They are the new boys and girl joining our illustrious brotherhood.

The minds behind gingergm.com thought that it was worth applying for the title of  ‘ECF website of the year’ award. http://www.englishchess.org.uk/?p=5588 but in the end it went to another site.

We had a quick discussion about this last night and came to the conclusion that if we ever won the award then we really should hold our heads in shame. (we not jealous, really we are not…)

Why don’t we want such a worthy title you may ask? Well for a start it means that we are not being edgy enough and I also suppose that we kind of enjoy being a bit outside of the norm here at gingergm.

In honour of this attitude the  ‘bottom board man’ sent me today’s lesson, which can be seen below…

Now before we move onto the lesson I just want to mention that at some point in the future we are going to start a discussion about the state of chess in England and about it’s sad, gradual, decline.

20 years or so ago, chess was booming in England, with top tournaments, top players and top prizes. The sad fact is that chess has only gone one way since then, downhill. Now who or what is to blame for this?

Maybe the ECF or some of the minds behind the ECF? (I know that some individuals have done a brilliant job but the federation have been in charge of English chess for the last 20 years).

The breakup of the USSR?

The ‘geeky’ reputation that chess holds to the general public?

What is the reason?

Anyway, more about this at another time. Let’s now move onto the ‘ Bottom board mans’ lesson of the day….

LESSON FOR TODAY 

Sometimes, we try  too hard to get to the greener grass.
In the process, we end up in  trouble…….. 
And when you find yourself in trouble and you’re stuck in a  situation that you can’t get out of, there is one thing you should 
always remember…….

Not everyone who shows  up……. 
Is there to help you!!!! 

I have been playing like a bit of a patzer of late, so I now welcome ‘bottom board mans’ attempt at cheering me up.

‘Bottom board man’ has found some interesting signs of when one is in danger at chess, on top of this he has also searched the internet for some chess related jokes.

Any other comments/jokes are always welcome!

Moments when you should feel danger at chess

1) There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.

2) Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.

3) You have a position won but your opponent has a gun. 

4) The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.

5) Before game begins you notice your opponents 1st initials are ‘GM’.

6) After completing your development you sense your opponent playing the endgame.

7) Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.

 You don’t control any squares at all.

9) Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.

10) Your opponent has 3 bishops.

And now some dangerous moments that I have encountered… (Simon Williams)

11) The smell of ‘chess sweat’ makes it hard to see the board

12) Your opponent turns up completely drunk then suddenly rushes off and returns 10 minutes later with sick dripping down his chin.

13) After winning a fair bit of money at ‘Blitz chess’ your opponent decides to lock you in his house, call his friends into the room from upstairs and demand his money back.

14) The board next to you breaks out into an argument, then a fight and the victor (of the fight) turns to you and asks, ‘you saw what happened didn’t you?’

There are plenty more but I can not go into all of them here…

Some chess jokes

A chess master died – after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
“What’s it like, where you are now,” he asked.
“What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, it’s really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they’re all here, and you can play them.”
“Fantastic!” the friend said, “and what is the bad news?”
“You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday.”

Q: What is the difference between a large cheese pizza and a chess Grandmaster?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

And now a joke that a friend of mine told me. To set the the scene he was the best man at a wedding of a chess player and he mentioned the following in his speech…

‘I once asked *** whether he preferred chess or sex and he replied, “well it depends on the position!”

That’s enough for now and I am sure that a number of readers out there can improve on our pitiful attempts…

It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and I wake to find myself covered in pork pie wrappers, in Derbyshire and travelling at 55 mph. Thankfully this isn’t the usual manner of my first waking moment but one which clearly demands further explanation.

It all started in a pub as these normal bonkers ideas do. I’m having a drink with my chess playing buddy PA when we got on to the riveting conversation of my cars fuel economy. Now this car is no ordinary car, it has some very serious chess roots. It was none-other than the Pert family heirloom passed down through two whole generations of the Pert family! Richard Pert (the evil twin) and his mum. I procured this mighty beast for the princely sum of £250.00 and was then the proud owner of a 1991 1.4L White Escort.

Now back to the pub. I mentioned to PA about the fuel economy which was really rather special for a car of these years and wondered how far it would go on one tank. I had a hankering to see Scotland which was scoffed at with the gauntlet then being thrown down – “If you make it to Edinburgh I’ll buy you a packet of pork scratching AND give you a pound”. How could one possibly refuse?

So last weekend I picked up PA at midnight, a quick visit to the local Tescos and we were off. PA took first shift so I laid out in the back for a quick snooze and regaled him with a veritable chorus of deep throaty snoring.

By seven in the morning we were coming in to Alnwick on the Northumberland coast where we were due to pick up Danny Gormally who was to join us on our adventure. However at this wee hour he was still all tucked up and wasn’t coming out to play so we ventured on until nine in the morning when we hit the centre of Edinburgh. The joy of it! I won the bet with still fuel in the car. “I’ll double or quits you on Inverness” says PA? This is now a long way from home and I’m not too confident being a further 175 miles of highlands to cross but with that sort of scenery ahead of you for the next few hours there can be only one choice. “DONE!” I exclaim.

A quick breakfast in Perth and on to the A9. We finally arrive in Inverness at one thirty with still fuel in the car but at this point we are pretty much running out of Scotland and we are now 590 miles from home so we call it a day and find a B&B. Check in back in the car and have a quick tour round Loch Ness and come across a delightful small village at the end of the Loch – Fort Augustus with more licensed premises than people I think. If you haven’t been there yet drop whatever it is you are doing and go now, immediately. I assure you, you can get there on one tank of fuel!

Back to the B&B to dump the car and we hit the town, well Inverness anyway. We popped in for a quick Tapas and then headed over the road to the Castle pub for an evening of blitz chess. This really didn’t go down well after our monstrous journey but made for some interesting games on of which I here produced below.

The moral of which is always ask yourself – Is that Legal?

GOG – PA

1.e4 c5 2.Nf3 d6 3.d4 cxd4 4.Nxd4 Nf6 5.Nc3 g6 6.Be3 Bg7 7.f3 Nc6 8.Qd2 0–0 9.0–0–0 d5 10.exd5 Nxd5 11.Nxc6 bxc6 12.Nxd5 cxd5 13.Qxd5 Qc7 14.Qc5 Qb7 15.Qa3 Bf5 16.Bd3 Bxd3 17.Rxd3 Rfd8 18.Rhd1 Rxd3 19.Rxd3 Rb8 20.Rb3 Qc8 21.Qxa7 Ra8 22.Qxe7 Qc4 23.Rd3 Rc8 24.Rd8+ Rxd8 25.Qxd8+ Bf8 26.b3 Qb4 27.Bh6

27…Bxh6+!! PA cried out ‘CHECK!’ with a big beaming smile to which I responded by dropping my head in to my hands muttering obscenities – how could this be? So I resigned and bought the next round and ate my two packets of pork scratching!. Had I been awake maybe I would have spotted this brazen illegality.