I have been playing like a bit of a patzer of late, so I now welcome ‘bottom board mans’ attempt at cheering me up.

‘Bottom board man’ has found some interesting signs of when one is in danger at chess, on top of this he has also searched the internet for some chess related jokes.

Any other comments/jokes are always welcome!

Moments when you should feel danger at chess

1) There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.

2) Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.

3) You have a position won but your opponent has a gun. 

4) The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.

5) Before game begins you notice your opponents 1st initials are ‘GM’.

6) After completing your development you sense your opponent playing the endgame.

7) Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.

 You don’t control any squares at all.

9) Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.

10) Your opponent has 3 bishops.

And now some dangerous moments that I have encountered… (Simon Williams)

11) The smell of ‘chess sweat’ makes it hard to see the board

12) Your opponent turns up completely drunk then suddenly rushes off and returns 10 minutes later with sick dripping down his chin.

13) After winning a fair bit of money at ‘Blitz chess’ your opponent decides to lock you in his house, call his friends into the room from upstairs and demand his money back.

14) The board next to you breaks out into an argument, then a fight and the victor (of the fight) turns to you and asks, ‘you saw what happened didn’t you?’

There are plenty more but I can not go into all of them here…

Some chess jokes

A chess master died – after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
“What’s it like, where you are now,” he asked.
“What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, it’s really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they’re all here, and you can play them.”
“Fantastic!” the friend said, “and what is the bad news?”
“You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday.”

Q: What is the difference between a large cheese pizza and a chess Grandmaster?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

And now a joke that a friend of mine told me. To set the the scene he was the best man at a wedding of a chess player and he mentioned the following in his speech…

‘I once asked *** whether he preferred chess or sex and he replied, “well it depends on the position!”

That’s enough for now and I am sure that a number of readers out there can improve on our pitiful attempts…