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Jutes of Kent in Division 1: Part 2

The following is a report of the Dutes promotion to division 1 by the team captain Chris Rice. I must thank him him letting me use the report and Alexis for letting me use his photo’s. The report had to be edited somewhat so that I did not get myself into too many legal difficulties…

                                                                      

 

Monday 4 May 2009: 3.16pm

Well this is a f***ing disaster isn’t it? We’re 5 f***ing 2 down to Wessex who are supposed to be the worst side in the Division 2 Championship pool and they’re making us look like f***ing muppets. I won’t kid you, I’m angry, angry with myself, angry with John (as per f***ing usual), angry at people milling around the bookstall (for no reason whatsoever), just plain angry at how this could happen in what was supposed to be Jutes finest hour.

 

OK let’s calm down, what exactly is the match situation? OK we’re 5-2 down with Alexi still playing but that’s completely drawn so we’re going to get 2½ game points. Is that enough? Well not if King’s Head and Poisoned Pawns get any sort of result. Poisoned Pawns are playing Warwickshire and there are two games to finish there and they are losing both of them which would mean they will lose the match but if they manage to draw even one of them they will go through. Simon can’t seem to see them losing both. What about King’s Head? Much better news, they are 4-1 down to Oxford and of the three remaining games they are better in one, completely winning in another and completely lost in the remaining one. So the most they can get is 3 which won’t be enough, hurrah!  

 
3.31pm
[Théoden is given his armor by Gamling.]
Gamling: “Every villager able to wield a sword has been sent to the armory. My lord?”
Théoden: “Who am I, Gamling?”
Gamling: “You are our king, sire.”
Théoden: “And do you trust your king?”
Gamling: “Your men, my lord, will follow you to whatever end.”
[Gamling helps the King in to his armor.]
Théoden: “To whatever end.”
[Uruks march towards Helm's Deep.]
Théoden: “Where is the horse and the rider. Where is the horn that was blowing.”
[The villagers receive their weapons.]
[A helmet is placed on the head of a scared boy, while another child looks at the axe in his hand.]
Théoden: “They have passed like rain on the mountains. Like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the west. Behind the hills, into shadow.”
Théoden: “How did it come to this.”
The Battle of Helms Deep, Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers
OH NO! Oh for f**cks sake! Oxford have only gone and blundered a whole rook away and King’s Head’s only completely lost game has now been reversed into a completely won game. 4-2 down now, they could win the last two games and draw the match and then we’re relying on Warwickshire to do us a favour and win their last two games against Poisoned Pawns.

3.46pm
‘What hope do you think we have? Sauron cannot be defeated.’ Saruman, Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring
Depression setting in as one of the Warwickshire guys drops his bishop and that’s that as far as Poisoned Pawns goes. They are promoted. So it’s just King’s Head then and they have just won another game and it’s now 4-3 and they are better in the remaining game.

4.05pm
“Is she up for a Spit Roast?” – Mark Rich
The remaining game in the King’s Head – Oxford match is Alexei Slavin (KH) vs Ben Savage (Ox) and Slavin’s initiative seems to be petering out a bit, so perhaps chances of a draw? Not that it would do much good unless Alexi won and there’s no chance of that realistically.
It could all have been so different if we hadn’t messed up against King’s Head on the Saturday. Me, Aly and Mark all lost and Simon only managed a draw. Great wins by Alexi and John weren’t enough and we lost 4½-3½. The mood that Saturday night was really somber and it got even worse when we went for our curry to find that some Division 1 team had nicked our table. Mark was in fighting mood though and vowed that he’d do things to his opponent next day that would make even Guantanimo Bay detainees shudder. True to his word though when we played Warwickshire the next day he didn’t so much beat his opponent, he assassinated him. This really inspired the rest of us as Chris C and Nigel won as well while the rest of us drew for a decent 5½-2½ victory. The Chinese we went to that night, The Water Margin, was really great, the Division 1 team from the night before were there as well funnily enough, didn’t hear a peep out of them all night, wonder why that was? The two Chinese women serving were outstanding, friendly, polite, efficient, attentive and they even bought us a round of drinks at the end. Much better than those useless twats next door in the curry house although the food was pretty good there as well plus they did give us a discount, a bigger discount than they had planned it seemed as they chased Mark down the street for more money.

So going into the last day we should have been in fine spirits, John especially had obviously been knee deep in fine spirits arriving back at the hotel (yes the wrong f**king hotel Andy, I haven’t forgotten) at 7am and was almost impossible to revive. Nigel wasn’t keen to play but I should have insisted, there was no way John was going to play well. But I didn’t do that, I let Si and Aly take care of getting John to the venue and things got worse, Si had lost his jacket and car keys and was lucky that some stand up person had handed them into reception, Aly was seething at John’s behaviour and between Si, Aly, myself and John we got ½/4 and a lucky ½ at that. The banker wins by Chris C on board 5 and Chris H on Board 8 also ended in draws and we are well on our way to getting a stuffing.  

  
4.38pm
Háleth: “The men are saying that we will not live out the night. They say that it is hopeless.”
Aragorn: “This is a good sword, Háleth, son of Háma.” “Remember, there is always hope.” The Battle of Helms Deep Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers
At the last couple of 4ncl weekends Alexi has annoyed the hell out of us by playing on in totally drawn positions that turn out to be, well, totally drawn. However, all we were missing this time was a church, a bible and some lighted candles as we literally prayed that he could do something with the position. I was ferrying news from the playing area to the bar but on the last visit Alexi’s rook was defending his h-pawn at h6 on h7. As I walked across the empty restaurant between the playing area and the bar I realised that all hope was gone, there was no way Alexi could do anything in this position and the remaining game in the other match was going to be a draw. Sophie Tidman told me Ben Savage was only playing on because Simon had asked him to. So we were going to have to get used to another season in Division 2. However, right at that moment yet another quote from Middle Earth came to me….
Galadriel: “It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father’s sword and cut the ring from Sauron’s hand. Sauron, the enemy of the free-peoples of Middle-Earth, was defeated.”
Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring

4.45pm
What’s going on? Suddenly Alexi’s rook was active his king in a central position and the White King was being driven back to the back rank. I can’t believe it! Could he really win this game? I raced back to the bar and suddenly the dejected faces were full of hope again and we all went to the playing area to support the Greek God. Sure enough he did win it, an astonishing achievement and we were all really proud of him. Alexi is a great player and if you want to know how great just ask him.

 

4.55pm
So that just left us needing a draw in that other match which eventually happened after a little bit of deliberate torture from Ben Savage who waited and waited before offering the draw just to exact the maximum amount of satisfaction.
So we are in Division 1 which is absolutely fantastic, but the sheer strain of it was not pleasant and which is why I struggled to smile in front of the cameras plus the fact that I’d only got ½/3 which was really depressing. Even more depressing is this. Between five players ie Me, Aly, Si, Chris H and John we amassed a grand total of 4½/13 whereas Chris C and Alexi who conceded three draws between them still managed to get 4½/6.
Over the whole season I thought we deserved it though and it would have been a shame if this one really bad weekend had ruined a whole year’s efforts. We’re going to need to work to stay in Division 1 next season as we’re going to be the West Brom of the division but more of that another time.
Well done everyone, a great achievement and who would have thought we would be promoted three times in a row, brilliant!
To finish with this is what Andy, Nigel and me should have said to John when we obtained the key to his hotel room earlier in the morning. It’s the final battle scene from Lord of the Rings with Aragorn motivating his troops…
“Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends, and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight!”
I’m sure if we had said that John would have leapt of his bed with a Leyton Hewitt style “come on!” and led us all to victory…

                      

                                                                       God